>Open/Curse Of a Broken Heart.true [Part II: Stigma Cliche]

>Once upon a time... I told my story... I have done nothing but tell the truth, now it is my side of the story, but I haven't lied about anything. No ignoring that it is alive with my emotions, it doesn't make it any less true. I feel like that holding onto the part of me that wants to scream is going to continue to eat me... unless I let it out.

Buddha said that "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." And I am not angry, but I hurt. I want to understand, what is so bad about the fact that I hurt? I want to understand the reasoning of why I had to have my heart broken because I loved somebody I was under the impression loved me back. I can't sit and swallow my words any longer... it already has cause me extreme physical and mental suffering and I can't get well with these stigmas. When I needed someone, they told me they "had set me up for success" and left a gaping hole in me.

The most important thing that people should understand but fail to understand... that if I hadn't been in love, then it wouldn't hurt so badly. I want to understand why I am the bad guy, when all I did was love. So, yes, I can't bow my head and play innocent and I am not hear to make it out like I did absolutely nothing wrong. There was a time I was emotionally hurtful and I have atoned as much as humanly possible at this point in time. I confess, I didn't put as much into it as I wanted to. I was afraid to smother my love, to put too much in and upset them. I admit I was sad, I admit I was hiding a shell of pity... and even though all it will ever be seen in the light of an excuse. I was still hurting. I admit I got short tempered and sometimes mean. Though how would it be fair to put all the blame on myself? To say I ruined everything? That because of every action and lack of action created a life that was nothing but misery. That there was not a single ray of happiness, not one. That a single bad thing built a wall of obsidian.

I AM NOT A MONSTER... I AM HUMAN!!! I have had a rough run, and I can't say that my pain hurts more then someone else's but it is me... most people don't even know half of what it is that has happened to me. I really have had a turbulent life and considering all the trails of my life... I think I am stronger then someone will acknowledge. My issue... I was happy with my life, with my husband, with my hobbies, with my friends. I was unhappy with myself and let it conceal the higher amount of happiness I actually had. I don't know how many times I will have to admit that to have it be forgiven, I am an amazing person and anyone doubting that... just needs to hold my hand. All I needed was some encouragement, a little more push that wasn't a metaphorical shot gun to the face... a little more love. It wouldn't have had to happen like that. I hate that I am this vision of sorrow, life draining cloud of despair in a life I only ever wanted to improve. A man I doted on... ask anybody who knew me all the amazing things I always said about him... true things. Times I defended him because someone didn't like him, nobody was going to say rotten things to me about my love. I always supported his decisions. I tended to when ill. Gave space when asked... and was there when wanted, through petty fights and annoyances. Even when I wasn't wanted... which at the end I feel like was never wanted. It left me feeling worthless, I don't think it is a harsh reaction after four years. That I learned to cook but wasn't that great and loved my companions cooking more then my own. That I wanted him to achieve his goals... but it didn't mean I didn't have my doubts about my own. Jealousy that they had better means to reach their ends then my own. I leaned on them for support, and my mistake is I gave up fending for myself and laid all my weight on them... I comprehend that I shouldn't have given up on myself. It was nice to be taken care of, then have to hold up the weight of the world all by myself. I just assumed that I could lean on him for absolutely everything. That is what a relationship is about, and I admit I abused his strength. Then I remember, through sickness and health... for better or for worse. I really hate that just because the worse weighed so much it broke the back of hope for all of the better that has been pushed aside as having never existed...

I do understand the concept of not wanting to be with somebody... if you don't love them then... I understand. Pretending hurts... pretending not to hurt is just as valid as the other side of the coin. Accepted does not heal a broken heart because... like I said. I do love them, even if I was the worse thing to happen to them in their entire life. I understand wanting to discover ones self that longing to explore. I had to do it myself.

I do not understand the complete robotic apathy. That there is nothing to show for the misdoings, for the fact that I did not/do not deserve hateful words. I refuse to believe that my love for my husband doesn't mean much of anything to him. Of his own admittance. I asked him in my self mutilation of discussions, if my love and caring had any worth to him and he responded with a shrug and said, "Not really. What you have to understand is I was my mother's world, I was her everything and I didn't think twice about pulling the plug and letting her die. So..."

So... I just don't stop loving someone. Ever. Even if all they want is for me not to have existed. Or at least pretend very well that is exactly what happened... absolutely nothing. I only ever wanted to figure out what I could to make him love me as much as I loved him. At the end of everything, he took care of me. I always had food, medication and a roof over my head. Things got scary but we always figured out a way. Sometimes he would figure the best way but I think that he forgets how much effort I had put into things. Blindness by... only he knows. Maybe there wasn't that understanding that all my opinions on life were not an exact reflection on how he was doing as a husband. Despite the outsiders view on any of this. Our marriage. Wasn't really all that bad. Regardless of the tears, fears, words, bumps, laziness and pain... I don't regret a single moment. As well as the fact that I am going to miss it so very much. It was amazing, even the grimy parts of it. If you desire one thing for so long, it's a given that you'll miss other things along the way. That's how it is... that's life.

So for some of my exact words in the situation... through all my pleading tears while my husband left me... he ranted me a month of redemption to possibly not separate. So as the last attempt with words I wish I knew, maybe someday he will open up to me in a non-sarcastic, non-"you were so horrible" and honest way... words if he even remotely listened to or cared about... this was exactly what I left him with before it was made final on December 23rd that it was done.

Paulina -"I can't make you love me. I can' make you do anything, but I can certainly show you why you should break that wall down. Unleash your romance on me and just take one last chance. There is nothing more to lose there is only things to gain. I have accepted the possible outcomes... I certainly am focused on the best results. So stop being so stubborn. Stop being so closed. Open your fucking eyes... and let go of badness, and think for once on how lucky you really are to have me in your life for once. We are such a good match in more ways then I think you realize. Things will only get better for us but you have to be willing. I don't want to feel like if I fuck up once you will shoot me in the face again, and I don't want a death clock. I have never believed in anything more then I do now, that we can have something that people can only dream about. I will not lose this drive. I want my positive special aura to make you a better person too. Please, come be home with me where ever that may be. I will never love someone like I love you, ever. I want you to become a happy love-filled person because of me, and if it doesn't become that, I will walk away knowing I tried my best, tried everything I could and that its not my fault. I can only promise that I will hate any woman you love because she is not me, nobody is ever going to compare to me and it will silently tear me up inside as why it couldn't have been me when the best decision in my life... is loving you."

And I stick by that, now and forever. I am moving forward each day, only time will heal a broken heart but time will never heal a broken person. I don't care how cliche it sounds... or how much someone is rolling their eyes at my words.

A depressingly funny man once asked if a room full of people wanted to know how he got his scars... no one really admitted to wanting to know... but he told them anyways. What happened, cannot be erased and I can never pretend that it was the worst time of my life, that what happened was something I deserve a armada of pity for, or ever use it to my advantage in anything. I chose to not express it in any of these matters. I waited until I was stronger to share. I pretend to not know things I know. I pretend that everything doesn't hurt as much as it does.

Can anyone sit there and honestly say I deserved all of this? Weather or not it is believed I am a bad person... I repeat that I am most certainly not. I have spent my life "rolling ones" and being met with critical fails... though the point is that I have survived. I fight every day. When life hands you lemons... you make mother-fucking lemon grenades to burn people's houses down! This blog isn't a reflection on my life as a whole. I have some, interesting luck... usually not for the better. Does no one see me rolling with the punches? Every time I am demonized... I am further immortalized... because I might be bleeding, damaged and shattered but I am alive... no matter the tribulation... I survived and wouldn't hesitate for a moment to sacrifice my survival for that of anyone I even remotely love.

The story will continue... because humans are weak... but we want to live... even if we're wounded... or tortured... we feel the pain. And I am human. I have my scars... and I rather the real story be known then some twisted mutated monster mask of a tale.

>Open/Curse Of a Broken Heart.true [Part I: Butterflies of Destruction]

Once upon a time I never understood what it was to completely and utterly want nothing to do with, being utterly in love with somebody. As a young human, what would I know about the bond of two humans beyond the touch of hands, lips, belly buttons... that those butterflies that radiate from what may be a soul, were nothing more then human desire. So I continue... Once upon a time, I fell in love with a boy. I fell in love with a broken, cruel, egotistical, self-centered, bitter, short sighted, disgusting, perverse, lazy, foolish, irresponsible, apathetic... love of my life. It will never matter what he is... I fell in love with him and that is all that matters because I have to fight what I loved with what I accepted and have turned into an illusion of hate. Even though my words, are nothing more then a continuance of a slighted void, they need to be let lose. Because while now they are words... they were life, my life and his. Everything happened at one point in existence and if forgotten. How can anyone learn... or grow... or heal... or cope... or forgive... or maybe, just maybe... realize and understand, the loss.

All I could do was replay the day over and over in my head. All the words that were said. The cliche that was my heart breaking and streaming down my face. The shock, the denial. "The perfect stages of coping" while he stood there and made petty jokes/jabs and hurtful words, without remorse... shattering my entire reality, while silently praising himself. While I was instantaneous to DO something to make things right. That while I sat for hours alone choking on my tears, he was celebrating, not caring, playing games, making jokes and acting like... like I was this horrible horrible creature that did nothing but torment and terrorize him in unimaginable ways. That all the love and affection was some terrible flesh eating disease. Now, I am in the full understanding of my own faults in the relationship... because he himself said that my misdoings and flaws wouldn't have been an issue... if only he was in love with me. So thus, life was some sort of tentacle monster hell dimension where I was the world's worst wife. I quote, he sat me down and said, "I can't do this anymore, I can't keep pretending. I never loved you, never will and I believe there is love out there for me somewhere but that love isn't with you. I'm leaving you." And really do the rest of the worded details matter... I am never going to forget. It will always be stored in my memory and it will remain a glaring scar. It will remain that I instantly did something to fix everything I did wrong, I worked so hard, I remained so strong. I was so adverse to just, letting go... even letting my negative emotions slip out even in the slightest would send me into this inescapable pit of despair, I was blind to see, I was already sitting in that pit staring up into the sun... wanting nothing more then to feel its warmth in my obscured ignorance. It took a lot of turmoil, to see I didn't deserve any of this.

I couldn't eat... even if I wanted to. Some uncontrolled power I seemed to posses is having a facade that says, "nothing is wrong, everything is fine." While my body trembled, chilled, suffered and deteriorated inside. I was so stubborn to let myself even cry that one day... I literally broke. The doctor's say to me as I walk in, without saying more then my symptoms of shooting pain/warmth down my arms, severe chest pain, shaking violently and barely able to stand... "We think something is wrong with your heart..." One of those things, that you just can't make up. Then the magic question "Is there anything going on in your life that might be adding extra stress?"... so now, after losing 40lbs and being given a bucket of pills to help with the uncontrollable panic attacks, vomiting, zero appetite... I am still physically recovering. My doctor told me to cry more. I really hate crying.

Guess those butterflies, Mr. "I want to go find love, and be a hopeless romantic and feel butterflies again." are actually a warning. Saying... don't do it, we actually explode and it really fucking hurts. A lot.

As for today. Last night I had a dream, to me a nightmare... and I have a unique feature, I am an extremely vivid/lucid dreamer. Now the details are not important as they were just the collection of everything, rolled into a whole day of having to relieve every gut wrenching moment... again. In a new light. A fancy album "The Best of Paulina's Heart Break! - Vol. 1" It was so real, so real, I woke trembling and confused. My chest hurt... couldn't breath. I didn't know where I was... I just stared at the ceiling. I could my face mapped with dried tears. Then could only close my eyes again as I got that reoccurring slap in the face with a stinging hand-print from reality... that falling sinking feeling, that is always followed by a murder of flaming butterflies gnawing at my bones.

Despite all the heartbreaking similarities of a cheesy teen romance novel, we know that... hell... it really feels like shit when it happens to you. I want nothing more then to move on, not feel feelings of hurty feelings, I really do. Except, I am not the kind of person who just, doesn't care. Who can just turn the caring switch to off mode. That is all I do is care and love and devote myself to the people in my life. There is little I won't forgive someone for. There is little I won't do to help. I will go out of my way to not burden someone more then I absolutely have to and I rarely ask for help... let alone except it. This isn't anything new, some things I am just learning another confession I freely put out there. I have some fairly powerful self-loathing goggles on and lessons to get them off my face, lessons I can only learn from experience. A story that has only barely been told. A story with many different points of views. You might be able to not pretend to care anymore but I can't pretend not to care about you. This one way mirror isn't as one dimensional as it is perceived it to be.

This story has only begun... so what I can say for now. Those butterflies... that seem so amazing. Well... good luck with that. They will self destruct...