Once upon a time I never understood what it was to completely and utterly want nothing to do with, being utterly in love with somebody. As a young human, what would I know about the bond of two humans beyond the touch of hands, lips, belly buttons... that those butterflies that radiate from what may be a soul, were nothing more then human desire. So I continue... Once upon a time, I fell in love with a boy. I fell in love with a broken, cruel, egotistical, self-centered, bitter, short sighted, disgusting, perverse, lazy, foolish, irresponsible, apathetic... love of my life. It will never matter what he is... I fell in love with him and that is all that matters because I have to fight what I loved with what I accepted and have turned into an illusion of hate. Even though my words, are nothing more then a continuance of a slighted void, they need to be let lose. Because while now they are words... they were life, my life and his. Everything happened at one point in existence and if forgotten. How can anyone learn... or grow... or heal... or cope... or forgive... or maybe, just maybe... realize and understand, the loss.
All I could do was replay the day over and over in my head. All the words that were said. The cliche that was my heart breaking and streaming down my face. The shock, the denial. "The perfect stages of coping" while he stood there and made petty jokes/jabs and hurtful words, without remorse... shattering my entire reality, while silently praising himself. While I was instantaneous to DO something to make things right. That while I sat for hours alone choking on my tears, he was celebrating, not caring, playing games, making jokes and acting like... like I was this horrible horrible creature that did nothing but torment and terrorize him in unimaginable ways. That all the love and affection was some terrible flesh eating disease. Now, I am in the full understanding of my own faults in the relationship... because he himself said that my misdoings and flaws wouldn't have been an issue... if only he was in love with me. So thus, life was some sort of tentacle monster hell dimension where I was the world's worst wife. I quote, he sat me down and said, "I can't do this anymore, I can't keep pretending. I never loved you, never will and I believe there is love out there for me somewhere but that love isn't with you. I'm leaving you." And really do the rest of the worded details matter... I am never going to forget. It will always be stored in my memory and it will remain a glaring scar. It will remain that I instantly did something to fix everything I did wrong, I worked so hard, I remained so strong. I was so adverse to just, letting go... even letting my negative emotions slip out even in the slightest would send me into this inescapable pit of despair, I was blind to see, I was already sitting in that pit staring up into the sun... wanting nothing more then to feel its warmth in my obscured ignorance. It took a lot of turmoil, to see I didn't deserve any of this.
I couldn't eat... even if I wanted to. Some uncontrolled power I seemed to posses is having a facade that says, "nothing is wrong, everything is fine." While my body trembled, chilled, suffered and deteriorated inside. I was so stubborn to let myself even cry that one day... I literally broke. The doctor's say to me as I walk in, without saying more then my symptoms of shooting pain/warmth down my arms, severe chest pain, shaking violently and barely able to stand... "We think something is wrong with your heart..." One of those things, that you just can't make up. Then the magic question "Is there anything going on in your life that might be adding extra stress?"... so now, after losing 40lbs and being given a bucket of pills to help with the uncontrollable panic attacks, vomiting, zero appetite... I am still physically recovering. My doctor told me to cry more. I really hate crying.
Guess those butterflies, Mr. "I want to go find love, and be a hopeless romantic and feel butterflies again." are actually a warning. Saying... don't do it, we actually explode and it really fucking hurts. A lot.
As for today. Last night I had a dream, to me a nightmare... and I have a unique feature, I am an extremely vivid/lucid dreamer. Now the details are not important as they were just the collection of everything, rolled into a whole day of having to relieve every gut wrenching moment... again. In a new light. A fancy album "The Best of Paulina's Heart Break! - Vol. 1" It was so real, so real, I woke trembling and confused. My chest hurt... couldn't breath. I didn't know where I was... I just stared at the ceiling. I could my face mapped with dried tears. Then could only close my eyes again as I got that reoccurring slap in the face with a stinging hand-print from reality... that falling sinking feeling, that is always followed by a murder of flaming butterflies gnawing at my bones.
Despite all the heartbreaking similarities of a cheesy teen romance novel, we know that... hell... it really feels like shit when it happens to you. I want nothing more then to move on, not feel feelings of hurty feelings, I really do. Except, I am not the kind of person who just, doesn't care. Who can just turn the caring switch to off mode. That is all I do is care and love and devote myself to the people in my life. There is little I won't forgive someone for. There is little I won't do to help. I will go out of my way to not burden someone more then I absolutely have to and I rarely ask for help... let alone except it. This isn't anything new, some things I am just learning another confession I freely put out there. I have some fairly powerful self-loathing goggles on and lessons to get them off my face, lessons I can only learn from experience. A story that has only barely been told. A story with many different points of views. You might be able to not pretend to care anymore but I can't pretend not to care about you. This one way mirror isn't as one dimensional as it is perceived it to be.
This story has only begun... so what I can say for now. Those butterflies... that seem so amazing. Well... good luck with that. They will self destruct...
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